so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
