she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
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You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
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My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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