my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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