You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
