Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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