I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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