I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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