I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
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He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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