what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
