i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I think my moral compass just broke
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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