around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
