david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
