ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
