I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
