my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
