Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
