i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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