Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
