jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
