I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
