she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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