the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
The uberlube is also flammable
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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