when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
