dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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