I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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