Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
