I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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