How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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