You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Randomize
