fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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