If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
