i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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