i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
