yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Heybabeimwearingurpanties
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
