Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
