Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
