Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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