good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
