Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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