I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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