I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
