I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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