he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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