Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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