the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
