Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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