We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
