oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
