i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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