I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
