I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
