its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
