Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I have post one night stand depression
Randomize
