He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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