either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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