So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
