His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
