too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
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