I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Randomize
