I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Randomize
