mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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