Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Randomize
